More Reasons to LUUUURVE My Condo...

Wow... Our first condo meeting where we had a quorum. And it was a doozy.


Cast of Characters:
BOT Prez Lacey
BOT Treasurer Kevin
Firefighter Ken
Trailer Trash Woman Turned Condo Owner (TTWTCO)
Trailer Trash Woman's Live-in Boyfriend (TTWLIB)
Cute But Very Angry Man
Parking Space Woman
Other People's Parking Habits Man
Noise Militant and Non-resident Pam
No Automatic Garage Door Opener Woman
Apologetic Trash Can Woman
Non-Contributing Woman
Fellow Monkey Bar/Weldon Spring Hating Neighbor Woman
Firefighter Ken's Bored Teenaged Son
Noise Militant's Lawyer Husband
Noise Militant's Mom (Actual Resident)
Non-Contributing Hot Young Blonde Woman


Major Issue #1
Some owners have decided they're not subject to the same rules as everyone else and have not paid their condo fees. Condo fees pay for some building insurance, water, sewer, trash, lawn care and snow removal. Anyway, these folks are collectively about $8000 in arrears. That's a lot of money, and while even more than that has been recouped, action is being taken against others. It takes time to follow the law, and the BOT is doing their best. But what got some people up in arms was the idea that condo fees may need to be raised to compensate for the shortfall. Weelllll... that got things rolling.

Trailer Trash Woman Turned Condo Owner: Well, who are these people? Let's print their names in the newsletter!
Trailer Trash Woman's Live-in Boyfriend: Yeah! Who are they?
BOT Prez: We can't do that.
Firefighter Ken: Why not?
TTWTCO: We did that in our old neighborhood!
Me: [to myself] Where was that? Jefferson County?
TTWLIB: I wanna know their names!
BOT Prez: We're not going to give you their names.


Major Issue #2
The annual budget. A disproportionate amount of time was lost following these five words "Does anyone have any questions?", thanks to Noise Militant and Non-resident Pam who questioned nearly every entry in the budget. I actually heard my hair grow while all this went on.


Major Issue #3
First bid on a sprinkler system: $110,000
Potential cost per condo unit: $1500
The notion that we owners should all rally to purse a lawsuit against the builder to pay for a sprinkler system never promised to us: Priceless

Jesus Harold Christ on an ab roller. What a bunch of precious, precious people. Apparently, all these condo virgins seem to be under the impression that "maintenance-free" means that either someone runs around to each building with a hose and an oscillating sprinkler and waters the lawn, or a sprinkler system was to be installed.

Cute But Very Angry Man is absolutely OUTRAGED that the GRASS IS DEAD! When the suggestion was made that we could have a few volunteers among the residents to water the lawn, Cute But Very Angry said, "AND HOW MUCH WILL YOU DEDUCT FROM MY CONDO FEE TO DO THAT?" BOT Prez Lacey and BOT Treasurer Kevin both correctly retorted, "Hey, like we're being paid anything?"

Firefighter Ken believes a sprinkler system was implied, in spite of the fact it was never stated in our sales contract or by the sales agent. He insists the BOT must act as our advocate in pursuing the acquisition of one from the builder. I was proud of myself that I did not laugh as Firefighter Ken is in my district would be one of the poor slobs to haul me down a ladder in case of fire.

Having had 16 years of condo living prior to this colossal error in home-buying judgment, my understanding of "maintenance-free" seems to be rather in line with the builder's. But what do I know?

Anyway, Cute But Very Angry left shortly thereafter in (surprisingly) an angry huff.


Major Issue #4
The way into our area of the subdivision has a circle drive that halfway around empties onto my street. Some of the residents on the circle drive have taken to parking on both sides of the street, causing problems for the school bus, the garbage truck, and drunks at 3 a.m. who think the circle drive is the Indianapolis Speedway. Someone had suggested that this parking would present a problem for any emergency vehicles, however, Firefighter Ken reassured us that any obstructing vehicles would be "handled" in the event of an emergency. Solution: call St. Peters and ask they put up street signs for no parking on one side.

Other parking issues include not enough parking spaces available in some areas, causing some to have to park their cars in their garages. (I'll give you some time to absorb that one.) This is a particular problem for the woman who decided not to install an automatic garage door opener. You see, she has to open the garage manually, and there's no way to lock it from the outside.

Precious, no?


Major Issue #5
Too much dog poop and too many people leaving their garbage cans out on the lot after pick-up, so the BOT is looking for narc-- er, neighbors to report the offenders to the BOT. The newsletter is our only warning. Fines will be issued after that. One woman was nearly hyperventillating because she'd accidentally left it out one night, but was thankfully reassured before Firefighter Ken had to break into his paper bag stash.


Major Issue #6
The stoplight timing at the subdivision is not great - three cars at a time. Gold's Gym members hog the turn lane on their way home from work, causing residents to sometimes have to wait through two or three lights in order for Biff and Ashley to run a few miles on a treadmill.


Be it ever so new and shiny and poorly chosen, there's no place like home. I guess.

New Orleans Remembered

I saw this image by Suspect Device (used with permission) and was moved to remember New Orleans two years ago.

Two years ago on August 29, I was packing up the last of my home and preparing for a move to a new place. I was stressed out and on edge and physically and emotionally exhausted. But I learned later that I knew nothing of what exhausted and stressed and on edge meant after seeing the suffering of the people of New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina.

I had every reason at that time to believe that New Orleans would be rebuilt long before now. I see two years later that my belief was misplaced.

At the State of the Union Address, the President didn't mention New Orleans once. At the convening of the 110th Congress, the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, failed to mention anything about New Orleans or its rebuilding. Pretty fucking sad. And shameful.

Harry Shearer (SNL, This Is Spinal Tap) has a wonderful report at Huffington Post about New Orleans, two years later. If you give a shit, it's worth the read.

Ah-Chooo! Dammit!

Ragweed.

'Nuff said.

The Saint Peters Horror

One of the alleged real events of the book The Amityville Horror included an alleged infestation of houseflies covering a window of this alleged haunted house.

Well, my condo isn't haunted, just overpriced. And apart from its close proximity to a state highway upon which overcompensating, post-adolescent males rev their thunderous, overly accessorized motorcycles or pick-up trucks, it is now infested with flies.

Flies... Dozens of them. In my house. *shudder*

I have no idea where they came from -- I assume there is some large animal carcass decomposing in my attic -- but after a frenzy of swatting, I purchased two no-pest strips from Home Depot and set them up in my living room and bedroom.

Not good enough.

Wigged out by the sheer number of flies, and not sure of the efficacy of those harmless looking, odor-free devices, I continued my swatting, squashing frenzy. Now, the vast majority of them are enjoying a mass grave in my vacuum cleaner. There are some stragglers I'm finding here and there, but it looks like the no-pest strips are doing the job. The little, gross f*ckers are dying a slow death.

Good.

Guest Blogger: Ellen

Bonjour! I am paying Marcia back for her kindness during the Democractic National Convention and providing a guest blog while she is too drunk to blog. In a related aside, marcia belches like a sailor when drunk. Then she screams EXCUSE ME. Because she is a LADY, you mothaf__s!

So okay.Here's what I have to say. Gary (my husband) has a co-worker, whom we will call V to the power of three. V cubed, if you will.

V³ has behaving inappro -- I'm sorry, Marcia is interruptin to saY:
1. She (.05) is less drunk than I. (.13) But I DIDN't Sit over her shoulder and correct her gawdaMN grammar.
2. "Capitalize my damn name if you're going to lie about me."
-- Back to me.
So, VVV comes to Gary at work and says

"Gary! I have the perfect woman for you!"

Yes. Yes. Yes She Did. Yes She Said That.
Gatry claims he responded, "But I'm already married" and didnt investigate the boob size of this perfect soulmate VVV had found for him. Then he wanted to be polite, and said he might consider the prospect of adopting polygamy as a lifestyle."

BUT.

W!T!F! WTFing F?

Who IS this woman?

Is this out of line?

I have an agreement with Gary that I will not post about this woman on my blog. However, this i s MARCIAs blog. So. She is a deer wearing a big "Shoot ME" sign on her back.

Seriously. WTF! Am I overreacting?

Tell Marcia. She'll let me know.