As I exited my car in the parking lot at Schnuck's today, two young men in white shirts, black ties and black pants approached and asked to speak with me. (UPDATE: With apologies to the unnamed cult, which I had previously thought was the source of my irritation, here is a more accurate representation of a different religious sect that attempted to save my soul. Note: the boys I encountered were not riding bicycles, and we were not on the surface of the moon.)"No, thank you!" I replied hurriedly moving along, noticing the black plastic nametags with "Jesus Christ" embossed underneath their names.
They followed me even as I doubled back to lock my car.
Cultist #2: "Are you sure we couldn't talk to you a bit about [insert favorite God/Jesus/gospel reference]?"
"Yep, I'm sure," I said pressing the button on the door handle, then moving toward the store entrance again. "Have a great day!" I called.
"Thank you. You too." Cultist #1 called.
"Hey, did you just lock your door with that button?" Cultist #2 asked.
"Yeah," I said, still walking and not looking at them.
"That's really cool!" he said, the two of them creepily following me.
Resisting the urge to turn around and proselytize about getting Prius, I said, "Yep, it's a pretty cool little car," just as I stepped on the automatic door opener. Thankfully, the two zombies didn't follow me inside, but I had the wherewithal to watch where they were headed next, which, thankfully, was away from my car.
Personal (and possibly provocative) commentary: Okay, how fucking insecure is your faith that you have to walk around in pairs, seeking out individuals in a strip mall like Dick Cheney on a quail hunt, imposing upon them to steal a half-hour of their lives they'll never get back, just so you can dazzle them with your breathtakingly absurd dogma?
Proselytizing cultist nutjobs should never approach a liberal, Jewish, middle-aged woman with PMS and an attitude.
2 comments:
So... they were working for Jesus Christ, as if he is a department store? Thanks God I can just bark. "Too, late! Once saved, always saved!" at those people.
It was like the make-up counter at Macy's, only it's a makeover of the soul.
I seem to recall Mad Magazine had a sticker that said, "Jesus Saves. Moses Invests."
I think Dennis Miller (before he went crazy) said it best. "Born again? Well, pardon me if I have the affrontery of having done it right the first time."
Great comedian until he went all dark side.
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